[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
You Might Also Like
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)