Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
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My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
sir, my pâté if you please
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
And then there were 4
she has a point
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Ghost costume 😂
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?