Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
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The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Body by cheese-puffs.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.