her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
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Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
So true for me
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs