“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
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North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
The Backseat Boys
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.