If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
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Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.