Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
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violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.