Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
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My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
The best plant holders?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*