Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
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According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.