You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
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“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.