exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
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me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.