If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
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Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes