Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
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Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Kids: Stay in school.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05