[walmart]
GREETER: hello 馃檪
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
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People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My husband asked if I had a new year鈥檚 resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don鈥檛 give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I have never in my life learned from another person鈥檚 mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If snails are so slow, why don鈥檛 we ever see them coming? It鈥檚 just BAM, there鈥檚 a snail.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
*serious situation*
My brain:
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
No I don鈥檛 want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.