You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.