MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
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I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
LMAO
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.