Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.