Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Bill is short for Billiam
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Think I pulled my liver
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow