Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 馃
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Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Me: I swear you鈥檒l be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it鈥檚 targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I don鈥檛 know why people say Twitter isn鈥檛 a dating app. I鈥檝e encountered plenty of available married men here.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I鈥檓 grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I鈥檓 terribly sorry sir, but pets aren鈥檛 allowed in here
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
The CDC says it鈥檚 a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.