December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
You Might Also Like
you stereotypes are all alike
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
How dramatic are you?
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.