[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
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My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Someone just threatened to call me later
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”