Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
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I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”