Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
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You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.