We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
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Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty