Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
You Might Also Like
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*