“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
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So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
*eats only grass-fed donuts
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???