Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
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*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun