A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
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I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.