My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
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You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]