No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
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To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
just left a huge legacy in there
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Good morning.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?