Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
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Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I only treason on days ending in y
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
wtf is an acronym
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.