BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
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the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
*puts words between two asterisks*
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.