no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
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Sticker placement is key.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
The human personality is made of five key elements
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren