What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
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my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.