If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
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*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Every. Damn. Time.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May