inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
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[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.