Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
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First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
This bar smells like my childhood.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.