I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
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Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”