Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
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*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Jurassic park gets weird
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo