Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
You Might Also Like
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
kids play hide and seek like
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..