In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
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The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Had an epiphany today.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
*has no idea what a book even is*
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…