Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
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Mornin. * use accordingly
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence