I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
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I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I had to Stop for this
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?