Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
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7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
worst…sale…ever
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
work smarter, not harder
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night