In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
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#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood