Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
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TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.