Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
You Might Also Like
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.