– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
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[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”