Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.