him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
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3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
#Caturday
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.